A more apt title for the way I'm feeling now (because everything to me is either a title, a chapter, or a lyric) is "Where Am I?" or even "Where Do I Go Now?"
I have been a faithful blogger (over on xanga) really since before I knew anything about "blogging." It was like a journal to me, except easier because I type a grillion times faster than I write.
I starting blogging when I was pregnant with Kid Number Two, and was a constant blogger until Kid Number Three arrived. Six months ago. And then I quit. I don't mean I tapered off and then stopped. I mean I had no time, had no energy, had no inclination... quit.
Sometimes I felt like I had so much going on in my head and my heart that I just need to blog it all out, but then I napped instead.
I don't know if my world is catching up with me or if I'm slowing down, or turning a corner, or crossing a bridge or any other sort of cliched travel analogy.... but I'm pretty sure I'm coming to a fork in the road. Oops, there's another one.
I am at a place right now, literally RIGHT NOW tonight, that I want to start making more of myself, my family, my home, my time, and my faith than what I have been doing. I've let myself allow six months to go by just coasting through my life, living on the frayed-out edges, and allowing both fear and laziness to control my thoughts and actions. Fear, because I was terrified (and, as it turns out, partly-rightly so) of having three kids. Of not knowing how to handle them, how to love them, how to enjoy them, how to rear them, how to get them all out in public by myself. And laziness, because it's easier to stay home and become complacent in my life instead of going out and enjoying the world with my kids. At home I can be in my pj's at 4 in the afternoon and no one has seen or cared. At home my kids can run around without underwear, because, dang it, that's the way they like it. At home, we can eat breakfast at 10 and lunch at 1.
None of this is exactly cohesive, but it is working. It is a catharsis. It is me pushing myself to stop being such a whiny butt..... but that's a different post.
I stumbled across a blog tonight that I just fell in love with, and now I see why. I read one of her old entries about the 3x rule: if you are hit upside the head with something three times, chances are you ought to check it out.
My sweet, patient Lord has been hitting me upside my head for far too long, but only in the last weeks have I started prying my eyes open, peeking through my fingers, looking out at the world and thinking I could go on and obey Him.
I gotta quit whining.
I gotta clean my house.
I gotta learn how to cook.
I gotta give Jeremy the respect he's earned.
I gotta FINISH the books I've started writing.
I gotta practice my craft, my photography.
I gotta hold myself accountable.
I gotta be present for my children.
I gotta conquer fear.
I gotta listen.
I gotta obey.
I gotta do.
This is where I am tonight. I am here.
If you're reading this, gosh I'm sorry. I know it is nothing but a ramblin'. But I think I'm starting out again.
I think I'll be around more often. More..... present.