“I’m not even hungry, but I want to EAT SOMETHING.”
I texted that to Jeremy just now, and as soon as I hit ‘send’ I had an epiphany: I am an eater.
That sounds like the worst epiphany ever, but I realized that I eat when I’m bored, I eat when I’m happy, I eat when I’m sad, I eat when my kids do, I eat during movies, I eat just for the crunch of food in my mouth.
Which may explain how I’ve come to be 20 pounds heavier than I was on the day I delivered my first child.
Which was 30 pounds heavier than the day I discovered I was pregnant with my first child.
I was actually really proud of those 30 pregnancy pounds. Everyone swore that looking from the back, you couldn’t even tell I was pregnant. And they said that even when I wasn’t suffering from progesterone madness. But that was healthy heavy, and this, now, is not.
So, I’ve stopped eating.
No, I haven’t developed a
For the next few weeks my diet will consist of these:
chicken breasts, white fish, shrimp…
cucumber, spinach, lettuce, tomatoes…
strawberries, grapefruit, apples, lemon juice…
in various combinations, enhanced by various herbs and spices.
Because me? I’m all or nothing. I have no middle ground; I swing wildly from excess to deprivation. I am joyful or despondent. I have some sort of head disorder.
In any case, for lunch today I had lemon garlic shrimp (which I somehow screwed up, chef that I am not) in a bed of spinach. It was supposed to be a salad. It didn’t quite achieve. For dessert I had four large and in charge strawberries.
(photo from arkansas.com)
And I’m not. even. hungry.
I’ve never been a breakfast eater, and though I know it’s the most important meal of the blah blah blah, it is easiest for me to ignore it. I still wasn’t hungry this morning, but by 11:30 I decided I better feed myself something. I ate slowly (as slowly as possible when one is masticating all up on some seriously chewy shrimps), and tried to enjoy my healthful meal. The strawberries saved my much-disputed sanity.
It was the post-meal craving to be crunching that allowed my revelation-- I have been eating way too much for way too long.
Having given myself a very strict diet (and plenty of H2O) I am aware of what I am, or more precisely, what I am not eating. I want to be more conscious of the way I treat my body, and in the process, hope to reduce the mass of said body. You know, treating my body like a temple, and all that jazz. Glorifying God in not just my words, but with my whole physical being. Appreciating what I’ve been given, instead of stuffing it with harmful, but oh… so tasty… chow.
After a few weeks of this, my own personal cleansing, I’ll slowly add back in whole grains and raw sugars, but not in the capacity I once consumed.
And, most heartbreakingly, no more Dr. Pepper. I can’t start again just to stop one more time.
We all just barely survived my caffeine withdrawal.